FAT PEOPLE ‘EAT TOO MUCH’

FAT PEOPLE ‘EAT TOO MUCH’

– Cream Buns named in Shock Food Report

Woman with bag.
A woman leaving a shop. In her bag are various food purchases.

Eat too much and you could get fat, according to a report published this week. Specific foods singled out for attention include cream buns, chocolate cake and jam doughnuts.

According to a survey carried out for no particular reason, many people in Britain are already overweight. And the report goes on to claim that people who are fat:

  • take up more room than other people
  • wear bigger clothes
  • and are more likely to damage furniture.

CHOCOLATES

We took these startling claims onto the streets to gauge the public’s reaction. Mrs Hilary Foster, 46, agreed that cream buns were fattening, while her friend, 40 year old Margaret Harrison claimed that she had occasionally eaten chocolates but suffered no ill effects.

SWISS ROLL

Shopkeeper Paul Willis, 27, admitted that several fat people had visited his shop in the past and had purchased food items among other things. The manager of a nearby restaurant refused to comment on claims that fat people were among his best customers.

TRIFLE

A woman we later watched enter the restaurant was visibly overweight, but refused to tell us what she was eating or how heavy she was. Her husband then became abusive and we were asked to leave the premises.

A spokesman for the British Medical Authority told us he had not seen the report, and did not wish to make any comment.

KILLER WASP SEX VICAR IN GAY NAZI STORM

KILLER WASP SEX VICAR IN GAY NAZI STORM

No Girls ‘Danced Naked’ in Moonlit Devil Ritual – claim

By our INVESTIGATIVE STAFF

A village vicar has denied taking part in moonlit ceremonies involving naked women. And Rev. Stanley Compton has denied allegations that he is a leading member of a gay nazi movement in the quiet village of Todhamlet.

CHILDREN

And we were unable to find any evidence to support claims that 64 year old Compton was having sex with under age children, some of them boys. But in an outhouse adjoining his home we found firewood, two buckets and a rusty lawn mower.

HORROR

Local residents told us the Rev. Compton came to the village in 1954 and has lived there ever since. They described him as a quiet man, a non-drinker who didn’t socialise much but often arranged jumble sales or garden fetes.

NAKED

Reg Dixon, owner of The Golden Lion Hotel in the village told us he had never heard rumours connecting the vicar with midnight sex ceremonies. And his daughter, a shapely 16 year old, told us she was unaware of any satanic activities in the village.

Her mother, Mabel Dixon, cook at the Golden Lion, confirmed that neither she nor her daughter had ever danced naked in the flickering flames of a pagan bonfire.

AXE

A regular at the Golden Lion, village vet Norman Taylor said he was “unaware” of any local girls dancing themselves into a hypnotic frenzy in the course of a gruesome moonlit satanic ritual.

VAMPIRES

When we spoke to Rev. Compton he strongly denied any involvement with the National Front. He was however later ‘unavailable’ to comment on the suggestion that he was breeding giant indestructable killer wasps in a garage adjoining his home.