Church Jubilant as New Miracle Discovered
Our Father Who Dart In Heaven
A boy tending goats on a Palestinian hillside has discovered what is believed to be a fragment of a long lost gospel. It contains an account of a miracle performed by Jesus which is not mentioned in the Bible and was previously unknown to Biblical scholars.
Abdul Marrowfat, 12, followed a stray goat into a cave in the Golan Heights and found an alabaster jar containing a few scraps of parchment with ancient writing on. He took it back to his village and showed it to his father, Dr Yitsak Marrowfat, Emeritus Professor of Biblical Archaeology at the University of Ramalla.
Dr Marrowfat pieced the fragments together, and was able to identfy the document as part of the lost gospel of St Job of Galilee. Amazingly, it contained a 2000-year-old account of a darts game at Jesus’s local inn in Bethlehem, during which he performed a miracle. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I translated the words,” said Dr Marrowfat. “It told of how the Messiah scored 501 in the match… using just 8 throws!”
The discovery of the scrolls has caused great excitement in religious circles, as the maximum score possible with 8 darts is 480 – twenty one short of the regulation 501 target. “Conventional mathematics tells us that it is impossible to check out, finishing on a double, with fewer than 9 darts,” said Dr Oral Osmond, lecturer in Intelligent Design at the University of Alabama. “The fact that Christ did an 8 dart finish proves beyond any doubt that he truly was the Son of God.”
But other academics were less convinced by the evidence. Hell-bound heathen evolutionist Richard Dawkins was sceptical that a genuine miracle was described in the fragment. “A miracle is simply an event that has taken place which we cannot explain. It says more about our knowledge of science than it does about the so-called powers of Jesus,” he told us.
“Perhaps our knowledge of mathematics at present is insufficient to explain how 501 can be achieved in 8 darts with a finish on the bull or a double. Or perhaps the bullseye in Jesus’s times was worth 101, and has gradually changed through evolution to its present value of 50,” he added.
However, Dawkins was unable to suggest a rational explanation for another miracle mentioned on the other side of the parchment where Jesus scores a 148 break during a visit to a snooker club in Jerusalem. “That one is a little more tricky to dismiss so lightly,” he told us. “I really can’t think of any way you could score more than 147 with 15 reds and 6 colours. In fact, I may have to reconsider my position on this whole religion thing.”
LORD OF THE DARTS
The darts world has been stunned by the discovery of what are being called The Eight Dart Finish Scrolls. We asked the cream of British darts players as they gathered for the Lambert and Butler World Championships at the Lakeside Shopping Centre, Thurrock for their reactions.
Fat former world champion Jocky Wilson, who once allegedly shat in an opponent’s shoe in the dressing room at The Hexagon, Reading, told us: “I’ve done the nine dart finish many times in my professional career. But it’s usually 180, 180, treble 20, treble 19 and double 12. Doing that with one dart less really would be a miracle.”
Eric ‘Swan’s Neck’ Bristow, who rose to fame as the Crafty Cockney was also impressed with the Saviour of Mankind’s performance at the oche. “I remember being taught about the miracles at Sunday School when I was a nipper,” he told us. “Raising the dead, walking on water, feeding the five thousand and all that mallarkey are all very impressive, but I always thought there could be rational explanations for them. However, after 40 years at the top of the darts tree, I know that no mere mortal could achieve an 8 dart checkout.”
Veteran professional Shaun Greatbatch was the first man to achieve a 9-dart finish on live TV during the 2002 Dutch Open. He was cautious about drawing any conclusions from the newly discovered gospels. “I’ve been in this game a long time, and I’ve seen plenty of tournament referees make mistakes totting up the scores in their heads,” he explained. “Perhaps this Pharisee just made a simple mental arithmetic error in all the excitement. And it would have been easy to do in those days because Roman numerals don’t lend themselves to computational operations that depend on place value,” he continued.
Bobby ‘Dazzler’ George was visibly moved when we spoke to him about the scrolls. “I once saw John Lowe throw the perfect nine darts in an exhibition match at Bernard Manning’s Embassy Club in Harpurhey,” he said. “Three rounds of 167 – treble 20, treble 19 and the bull. I thought that was close to a miracle. To do the same with a dart in hand would definitely require some sort of divine intervention.”
Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor, who has done the nine dart finish three times on television, agreed. “I’m usually too busy playing darts to think about religion or spirituality,” he told us. “But hearing about Jesus Christ’s miracle 8-darter has kindled a flame of faith in my soul. I’ve become born again, I’ve invited Jesus into my heart and I’ve begged the Lord to forgive me my trespasses, as I forgive those who have trespassed against me. Even that fat cunt Jocky Wilson who allegedly shat in my shoe at The Hexagon, Reading.”