WOMBAT WINS!

WOMBAT WINS!

BUT BOTHER SOON BEGINS

Dustman Terry Wombat, 46, thought he was a winner when his pretty wife told him he had won the pools. Terry, 46, wasted no time in opening an account at a local department store and bought goods worth a total of £875,000, including a yacht, 7 cars, a mink coat and assorted jewellery for his wife, 12 persian carpets, a washing machine and a private aircraft.

But it wasn’t long before spendthrift Terry’s feet were firmly back on the ground. For when he got his shopping back to the couple’s council owned semi in Willicksby Road, Manchester, his wife explained that his winning cheque was for £1 .76 only!

FOR

A spokesman for Vermon’s Pools Ltd said there was nothing they could do, “Mr Wombat’s coupon has been checked and he is only entitled to £1.76”.

Mrs Wombat, who was a runner up in the Miss Greater Manchester contest 26 years ago, was able to look on the bright side. “Perhaps I should have told Terry how much we had won” she told us . “I feel a bit of a nit-wit with all these expensive items lying in the back yard unpaid for.

But the story has a happy ending. For Tommy Smith, manager of the store where Terry’s spending spree took place, has decided to let Terry keep everything he bought – free of charge, providing Terry agreed to be more careful in future . “I think he’s learnt his lesson” said Tommy at his city centre store yesterday.

BOY IN HUMAN TORCH HORROR

BOY IN HUMAN TORCH HORROR

By Sid Sensation

A gruesome game ended in disaster for 5 year old human torch terror victim Tommy Thompson.

MATCHES

Tiny tot Tommy was playing at his home near a box of matches when he swallowed a battery which he had removed from his brother’s pocket calculator.

HOSPITAL

A doctor at the hospital where Tommy was treated said the battery was removed from Tom’s tummy without difficulty, and he agreed that Tommy was similar to a torch in that there had been a battery inside him.

Life as a T.V. Tough Guy by LEWIS COLLINS

‘I KILLED A LION & WAS SHOT BY A TANK’

Life as a T.V. Tough Guy

By LEWIS COLLINS

In an interview with JAKE JOWLER

On telly I always play the tough guy – perhaps it’s because of my tough background. The day I was born my dad, who had a drink problem, tried to kill me with a mallet. He ended up in hospital for 5 months. That was my first scrap, and somehow I knew it wouldn’t be my last.

HAMMER

At school all the kids used to call me “LEWIS” because of my unfortunate christian name. I really hated it. On one occasion I broke my best friend’s legs with her desk for calling me that. I was quite a tearaway at school and got caned every day. It never hurt but one day I broke the headmaster’s pelvis with a ten pound hammer for calling me names.

I joined the SAS straight from boy scouts – not that there’s anything wrong with the scouts. I Just wanted to kill some bloody foreigners, not play silly games and go camping. Cn my first day fighting in the jungles of Malaysia I killed 200 soldiers. I remember because I jammed my machine gun and had to bite them all to death, even though I’d lost all my teeth eating bricks when I was a kid.

When I left the army I got my first job on telly doing a commercial for Lion Bars. I was working with a lion called Sheba. It may have been tame but it weighed 8 tons and had 12 inch teeth. One day we »ere filming when it went wild and attacked the film crew. I tried to calm it down by stroking it but I accidentally snapped it in half.

Another hairy experience occurred when I was filming a war sequence for a telly film. I was being chased by a tank, but someone had forgotten to load it with blank shells. The next thing you know it fired and I felt an enormous explosion on my head. I had been hit full In the face by a shell. I remember having a black eye for 2 days after that.

STUNTS

I do all my own stunts for telly. I remember once I was staging a fight with a stunt man who weighed in at 26 stone. I had to throw him through a window, but I missed and he hit a Boeing 747 that was flying overhead. They never managed to find him, although I managed to catch the aeroplane before it crashed.

Next Week : How I ate a bus by accident while filming a Double Decker commercial.